


Give a Git a Wand

by curiouslyfic



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling, Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Crossover, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-17
Updated: 2009-12-17
Packaged: 2017-10-04 12:03:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiouslyfic/pseuds/curiouslyfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the bridge crew are Ravenclaws circa 1999, Spock's NEWT obsessed, Hikaru's lost his green thumb, Jim proves he's not stupid, and there's a fight in the Great Hall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give a Git a Wand

Jim blows into the Great Hall all Quidditch-flushed and victory high. Because he's Jim, and thus incorrigible, he skips his own seat to come steal a kiss.

Hikaru's not complaining. His maybe-boyfriend's hot and judging by the incessant cheers, he's also at least partly responsible for bringing down Slytherin again. Malfoy's sulking in a corner and snapping hostile at Potter--_again_, Merlin, those two never learn--and Potter's snapping back and most of the attention in the room is squarely on those two because even Quidditch practices seem to set them both off.

That doesn't stop Spock from his throat-clearing disdain for the interruption that is Jim, who's still in Quidditch leathers and sort of stinks in a really, really good way. Hikaru wants to drag him into a shower.

Herbology can wait.

Jim makes himself at home at the Ravenclaw table, totally ignores his own as he gives Hikaru a rundown on their practice. Spock's eyebrow tics. Nyota taps her parchment with her quill and glares a silent reminder that Hikaru is supposed to be above such things.

Honestly, Quidditch is love but there's been no convincing his housemates of that.

If Jim has any idea how much the Seventh Year Ravenclaws hate having him around, it certainly doesn't stop him from plastering himself to Hikaru's side and stealing their food like it's his own.

"Merlin_fuck_, Scarhead, you can't actually be that thick," Malfoy snaps and oh, hey, hexing, and Headmistress McGonagall's bearing down on the two of them like a witch possessed and no one's paying attention at all when Jim sneaks a hand up Hikaru's robes.

Except maybe Spock and Nyota, but they can sod off with themselves.

.

Jim Kirk's not bad, for a Gryffindor. He's reckless, yeah, and a little bit mad, prone to stumbling headlong into ridiculous scrapes and ending up in the Infirmary. He's not quite Harry Potter, thank fuck, but he's definitely the same House and frankly, he seems pretty proud of that.

Hikaru spends four years watching Jim Kirk from afar and taking him down a notch on the pitch before he catches Jim's eye and from there, it's inevitable. Hikaru's Quidditch-mad in a House that barely tolerates the game and by the time Jim decides he's adopting Hikaru as his brand new best mate, Hikaru's thinking he could stand to spend some time away from his books.

It takes them almost two years to get to the sex but when they do, it's explosive like potions and they can't stop. A year of furtive one-offs in every nook and closet in the school and they're pretty much boyfriends in the eyes of their peers.

It's made the Ravenclaws nuts.

.

Spock's like the Anti-Jim. For every Jim Kirk invasion in the Great Hall, Spock has a new pissy look and some stern words about Jim being a distraction Hikaru can't afford in their NEWT year. Hikaru's heard it since before they took OWLs and while it's getting tedious, he hasn't found a way to make Spock shut it without invoking Nyota's name and historically, that ends in random hexing in the halls.

Nyota's fierce. Hikaru loves her with mad, adoring fear.

It seems easier--and less painful, besides--to just let Spock ramble the cool logic of Anti-Jim while they head for class.

It hasn't stopped him so far, hasn't made him question what he's doing with Jim Kirk at all, and honestly, Hikaru thinks it's obvious to anyone who can emote that he's not about to give Jim up over anything he's told.

The subject of the post-Quidditch-practice speech is Jim's intelligence--or lack thereof, which Spock seems to feel will impede Hikaru's grades. If Spock weren't so earnest about it in his weird, Spock-ish way, it would be hilarious. As it is, it's just long and rather awkward.

Hikaru's uncommonly grateful to get to class.

.

It's meant to be the study break best known as lunch and for once, he's meant to be Jim-free. Anticipation's had Spock zealously consulting his study group chart to plot out the best use of their time and he's done it so much, even Nyota's getting a bit glazed, which makes it a _gift_ when they get to the Great Hall and find Jim sitting aimless at the Ravenclaw bench, obviously in wait.

Spock's reaction, a choked chirp of dismay, is hilarious. The Durmstrang kid, Chekov, settles in with Scotty like they're both blind, somehow the only senior Ravenclaws who don't notice Jim, and they're only just sitting before they're off debating the magic of flight.

Nyota heaves a sigh and takes her seat--as far away from Jim as she can get without edging into Sixth Year territory, which, no. Jim doesn't bother any of them _that_ much, not even Spock. Lovegood's nice and all, a little sweet on Nargles, but she's definitely cracked.

"Hey, you been waiting long?" Hikaru asks as he slides in beside Jim so close, their thighs touch hip-to-knee.

"Thought you'd gotten stuck in class," Jim shrugs. "Hell, I almost was, myself."

Spock sees his opening and runs with it before Hikaru can ask. "Yes, what happened there? I was under the impression you were required to attend a remedial Potions lesson with Professor Slughorn. I do not believe he will approve of your tardiness, Mr. Kirk."

Jim snorts a little as he makes himself a plate. "Always Head Boy, huh? You always this exciting, Spock? Or has Uhura got you trained?"

Spock's eyebrow tics again. Nyota twitches for her wand. Hikaru jumps in before anyone can lose them all points because honestly, it's just upsetting when Hufflepuff's in the lead.

"Hey, yeah, didn't think I'd see you today." He nudges into Jim's side and throws Jim a wicked, promising smirk. "The Slug let you out early or what?"

Jim tips his head toward the Slytherin table. "Notice anyone missing?"

No blond, pointy prick. That's an answer right there. "Potter and Malfoy again?"

"Yeah." Jim steals a forkful of mash off Hikaru's plate, washes it down with pilfered pumpkin juice and waggles his eyebrows lasciviously over the cup. "Plus, Longbottom blew Weasley up again so now the dungeons are all toxic and whatever, too. It's a good day to be Gryffindor. Classes cancelled all day on account of everyone else is stuck in the Infirmary losing their tails."

"You do not appear similarly affected," Spock starts, very lead-in to the reasons Jim should be in class, and Nyota has to elbow him sharply to shut him up.

"I sit by the door." Jim taps his wand to refill his plate and attacks the beef-and-mash like if he doesn't move quick and stealthy, it might disappear. Unlikely, that: the House Elves know about getting between students and their food and after that horrible, hilarious incident with Goyle last year, it's not something likely to happen again anytime soon. "Hey, so, you've got what this afternoon?"

Like Jim doesn't know his schedule. Hikaru snorts. "History of Magic. Goblin Rebellions, take 25."

"Ah yeah. The scheduled snooze." Jim flutters those dark, dark eyelashes for a hard, hot look and it feels better than magic ever has, more right than his wand. "Want to cut out with me, maybe come flying for a while?"

Flying with Jim means height and speed and sex, getting all hot and bothered watching the slinky bastard ride his broom and dragging him down to get all messy by the lake. It beats the prospect of Binns by _years_, turns class into something damned near_ Crucio_.

"That would be impractical," Spock decides, and really, who the fuck asked him? "Perhaps in your House it is acceptable to perform sub-optimally in class but I assure you that in this House, it is not."

Hikaru fights the truly Hufflepuff urge to remind Spock he's not the boss of them.

"You don't think he can make that choice for himself?" Jim asks, already squaring off, and oh, hey, it's the Kirk v Spock show again. Hikaru rubs between his eyes. Nyota throws out a question on Arithmancy calcs but no one cares. She'll get Spock's attention back when Hikaru's dragged off Jim and they both know it. The only reason they aren't jealous of how intense the Kirk v Spock show gets is that all four of them know it's not sexual at all, just a pair of stubborn bastards compelled to compete.

Plus, the post-Kirk v Spock show sex is hella intense. Hikaru's willing to put up with a lot of Jim's shit if it means Jim's going to push his own limits proving where his focus really lies.

"You cannot deny your academic performance thus far has been less than admirable, Mr. Kirk. I am merely concerned your lack of achievement will have an adverse impact on the achievements of those with whom you associate."

There's more, there has to be, but Hikaru shifts his hips, squeezes Jim's thigh, and says, "Yeah, fuck it, I'm up for a fly."

.

There's, uh, not a lot of flying going on, which would be okay if there was groping or snogging or sex of some sort because _hello, skipping class here_, there's got to be something to get him through the inevitable bitch-out from Binns. But no. Nothing.

Instead, Jim's walking slow, not bouncing or running or restless or anything, and he seems rather lost in thought.

"You think I'm stupid?" Jim looks amused. Hikaru rolls his eyes and sets his quill down because yet again, Herbology's going to have to wait.

"Not what I said," Hikaru reasons. Jim makes a face that's mostly hilarious and just a bit Spock. Hanging around the Ravenclaws has been good for him, then. Maybe. A little.

Fuck.

"Holy Merlin, you _do_." Jim's smile-smirk dies. He looks a little like he's had a run-in with something in CoMC.

"Don't be thicker than you can help," Hikaru says, which, oh, hell, that's a bit Malfoy, that. Clearly, he's been spending too much time with the git, which is all Vector overzealously applying the new stupid Inter-House rules for Arithmancy pairs. "I didn't mean that. Sorry. You know I don't think you're stupid. I think you don't _try_, mostly, and you're not much of one for class, but no. Not stupid at all."

Jim's face says sex is now a distant, distant dream. Hikaru plots four hexes and a charm to properly repay Spock for this lovely moment of fail. "Your friends think I'm stupid."

"They don't know you, all right?"

"You do." Jim frowns. "You do, and you let them think that. I know you're not a coward, so you have to agree or you'd say something."

"I have." Well, hell, he's already taken a page from the Malfoy handbook of How To Piss People Off When You're Trying to Shag Them Blind so really, what's one more? "Merlin_fuck_, Jim, don't be ridiculous. We've known each other how long? You're probably brighter than two-thirds of my House. I don't fool myself you're not brighter than me. Just, you're always getting into things and needing to be rescued and whatnot and that's fine, really, because your House prizes that so it makes sense that you would, too, but it's not exactly _Ravenclaw_, yeah?"

Jim looks so thoughtful that for a moment, Hikaru thinks he's made his point. Then Jim says, "So I'm stupid but it's okay because so's the rest of my House?" and yeah, there goes the prospect of sex.

"You judge me by the rest of your House?" he counters carefully because logic will not be coming from his dick and honestly, it's hard to look past the lost prospect of sex with Jim all luscious and _there_ but sometimes, he has to so they can stay friends. Whatever this thing is between them, stutteringly hot sex and a fuckton of laughs, it's likely not going to last, probably it's just hormones and boarding school and stupid teenage sex, but even when they're both chasing down their next shags, Hikaru wants to keep Jim somehow in his life. They're _something_ and Hikaru doesn't want to chuck that over something this dumb.

Jim won't look at him, tries to pull away, and Hikaru's not having it.

"Next to the rest of your House, I know I'm a coward. Didn't take down the Dark Lord or save the world or anything. Wasn't even in the DA, and that's like saying you love Voldemort in this school."

"Not for your House," Jim corrects, a delineation no one else makes. "No one expects you guys to fight. Just not in your nature or whatever, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, we're Switzerland with wands. My point is, you spend your time with them, that whole mindset, but you don't apply it to me, yeah? Because I'm not part of your House and it would be uncharacteristically foolish of you to overlook that. So what I'm saying is, I'm the same way with you."

Jim sucks his lip thoughtfully. "So what--I'm not bad, for a Gryffindor?"

Jim gets more like Potter every day. At this rate, Hikaru's going to have to drag him off by the hair and speak in neanderthal syllables to get his point across. Which, actually, is pretty hot.

But when Hikaru angles in, gets Jim back against a wall and hovers with oh-so-obvious intent, Jim looks up at him through that dark fringe and says, "Yeah, you know, I actually think you should probably go back to class. I'm, uh, not really in the mood to fly anymore," and Merlin's balls, Spock is going to _pay_.

.

He slides into class mid-lecture on some new Goblin Revolt and Spock gives him a vaguely disapproving nod and while Nyota's giving Spock a hissy, pissy piece of her mind for his behaviour, Hikaru gets off a hex at Spock's desk and when Spock fumes through the Common Room for hours about how all his textbooks say nothing but "I'm a cockblocking twat", Hikaru's so pissed, too, he can't even laugh.

Chekov and Scotty do, but those guys are cool.

Spock's just a big, fussy pain in his arse.

,

Then Jim's on a mission or something. It's fucking unreal. Overnight he goes from drifting vaguely through school to a total blight on the grading curve and even the other academically-inclined obsessives start to take note.

Malfoy, well, there's no word for it but "fixates", really, which seems to piss Potter off, and since Granger's so excited about a new study mate in her House, there's a strange new tension running through the Seventh Years. Everyone knows not to get between Potter and his mates. Or, really, his Malfoy, whatever _that_ is these days. And Jim, on the heels of some Spock-sparked stupidity, has done just that.

Hikaru's sort of expecting open war to break out in the corridors.

Hormones are hell. He wants Jim around, always has and probably always will, but Jim stays away, throws himself into books and work and _Malfoy_, and Hikaru hates it with the burning zeal of _Incendio_ gone wrong.

No, seriously, studious Jim just might be his new Boggart because it fucking _sucks_ and there's no end in sight.

There's still Quidditch and class, studying for NEWTs and trying to revive his flagging Herbology project for Sprout, but it's not the same. It's, honestly, horrendously boring and worse every day, impossibly frustrating to have Jim so distant all the time, so patently untouchable when he's close.

Boot's a spectacle of suck at their next game so the Hufflepuff Seeker gets the Snitch but Hikaru's had some mad to work off on the Quaffle so they win on points. It's small consolation and that sucks, too.

Not as bad as Boot, though. 

.

His Alihotsy-yew graft finally gives up the ghost a week later, which is particularly insidious for the dead yew involved.

Rot resistant, his arse.

Professor Sprout seems to think it's some Herbology-hating conspiracy, potentially some terrible prank, and he's trying to sort out what's gone wrong when she starts talking about missing leaves and narcotics and the state of Hikaru's vault.

Longbottom doesn't need to explain how Sprout's gone off the deep end if she's accusing Hikaru of some sort of drug abuse but because he's Longbottom, he does.

There's an unimaginably awkward Floo home to his folks and a terrible meeting with Headmistress McGonagall and a few humiliating tests with Mediwizard McCoy but eventually, it's all sorted out. Hikaru feels like a twat for his overzealous pruning--"You should have left it alone, Mr. Sulu, you know Alihotsy likes its space"--but really, what else did he have to do? Non-existent social life means overtended plants.

And anyway, it's not like he can't try the graft again. Now that he's proved he's not huffing the leaves or anything, it should be all right.

Longbottom says he figures Hikaru needs a friend and he says it so earnestly, so bloody honestly, that Hikaru agrees, even if all he's got in common with Neville Longbottom is a mutual love of plants.

.

Longbottom's not Jim, not even close, but he's quiet and careful and nice, and he's not bad about Quidditch, which is good.

Then he finds Nyota scheming in the courtyard with Granger, Parkinson, and Gaila, and it's all downhill from there.

.

"I really don't think you need to be afraid," Longbottom says, but he bites his lip and toes the floor so clearly, he's lying. Hikaru misses Jim like a sharp, bright pain in his chest because Jim, he's sure, would get this in ways Longbottom likely won't.

"I feel fear is reasonable, under the circumstances."

"Nyota's your friend, though. You don't think she'd hurt you."

"You don't know her very well, do you?"

.

There are things Hikaru never wants to see again. Spock attempting to befriend Jim, for starters. Spock takes to the task with a henpecked look vaguely reminiscent of Zabini trying to chat Potter up and it goes predictably badly. It doesn't make much sense until Hikaru finds Longbottom snogging Gaila in the greenhouse shed, at which point he has several bones to pick with Nyota about mucking about with his life, but before he can lay down his new law of _hands the fuck off, ladies_, he's cornered by Ron bloody Weasley.

.

"Look, you've got to get Kirk under control," Weasley says when he's dragged Hikaru from the Great Hall. "I think Harry's going to kill him soon. If 'Mione doesn't get there first."

Weasley's absurd, even for a Gryffindor, but Hikaru figures hanging out with Potter has that effect. Look what not-quite-hanging out with him's done to Malfoy.

"Why should I care? Maybe you've missed it but Jim's not my problem anymore." Ditched for research by a non-Ravenclaw; Hikaru's never going to live down the shame.

Weasley laughs horribly. Longbottom hangs his head. It's the bizarre non-verbal language of Gryffindor and Hikaru kind of hates that he knows what it means. "Believe me, he is."

"Believe me, you're wrong." Jim's ignored him for weeks, through Quidditch and everything, which says things Hikaru never wants to hear about where he ranks in Jim Kirk's life these days.

Weasley gives him a cock-eyed look. "He's doing it for you."

"No, he's doing it because of me. Big difference there."

"Well, he's not doing it for us."

So Hikaru has to explain about stupid Spock and stupid _stupid_ and stupid House lines and the more he says, the more Weasley boggles. Longbottom snickers a lot.

"Look," Weasley says slowly, like Hikaru's short-broom thick. "I know you Ravenclaws aren't exactly good with..." Weasley's hand faps manically for a bit. "...things, but you can't seriously think--You do. _Oh my Merlin_, you _do_." Weasley huffs, righteously put out. "Right. Well. Let's get you the clue train express, then. He thinks you think he's stupid so now he's hellbent to prove he's not. Does that suggest maybe a chat you need to have?"

Weasley hides his well-flushed face in his hands and shakes his head a bit and mutters darkly about Granger turning him into a bloody _girl_.

Hikaru wouldn't touch that with his wand. Gryffindors are _weird_ and if Potter is their emperor, Weasley's got to be their king.

"What's it to you?" Hikaru asks, suspicious as hell. For all the Sorting Hat's singing, for all Vector's much-beloved rules, the senior student body still isn't all that inclined to cross House lines for strangers without a really good cause and Hikaru can't imagine Weasley actually wants to play peacemaker like this. It's purely scientific curiousity, of course, because it's not like he cares. Jim is someone else's problem these days; Hikaru refuses to be sucked into Jimdom again.

Then Weasley's off and running loose at the lips and all Hikaru can really do is look gobsmacked.

"The Ferret's obsessed, which is driving Harry spare, which is making me bloody spare because I have to keep hearing about the git and you don't understand, Sulu, that I _hate_ him. Just hearing his name makes me want to gouge my own eyes and my best mate, who I have gone to hell with, won't shut up about him. _What's so great about Kirk, Ron? What's he got I don't? Malfoy's not even hexing me back anymore, I don't understand_. I...he's bloody _pining_ and it's...ugh, my _ears_, and if it doesn't get better soon, I mean like today, like bloody now, Sulu, I will do something _unkind_."

"Plus, Jim's miserable," Longbottom adds, and _that_'s what gets Hikaru most.

.

Hikaru shoves his way into the Great Hall on a rush of testosterone that doesn't let up until he's snagged Potter aside.

"You get yours, I'll get mine," he says, and Potter blinks a bit and scowls a bit and turns wild-eyed, crazy "erm" and Hikaru tightens his grip on Potter's arm until Potter calms and nods.

"They're being idiots," he says, mild in ways he doesn't feel, and Potter finds this dark, Slytherin smirk from somewhere deep.

"Impossible gits," Potter agrees. Hikaru lets him go--the Gryffindors glare when anyone touches their House deity but they ease off at Potter's look--and Potter says, "This can't happen again," before Hikaru gets too far. When he looks back, he sees the determination that probably offed the Dark Lord and for the first time in weeks, Hikaru feels good about things. Right, almost reasonable.

It's a nice change.

.

Jim's sitting with Malfoy, talking Potions again and laughing like Malfoy's fucking _hilarious_ and shit, and because Jim's back is to the door, the only gratifying apprehension he sees on his approach is in the pale grey eyes of Draco Malfoy, impossible prick.

"I believe we have company," Malfoy says calmly but his eyes don't leave Hikaru and Malfoy looks a bit tense. Good. He should be. Jim-stealing, Potter-crazying fuck.

"Yeah?" Jim turns and _oh_, he looks tired and sad, so very responsibly un-Jim and Hikaru wants to steal him off and wrap him in blankets and make him sleep and eat and sleep until he looks like he's supposed to.

There's a lot he needs to say to Jim, things about not running off to bury himself in books and how there's a whole world of smart and everyone's a special snowflake in their own way and how Spock's a big, cockblocking arsehole control freak sometimes and should be ignored and Hikaru knows it needs to be good, needs to make Jim _understand_, and Hikaru has no clue at all why what he actually says is, "You're a fucking moron."

Because, well, counterproductive, no?

Even Potter squeak-snorts alarm, which makes Malfoy's raised brows twitch.

"Hikaru?" Jim's face twists, a flash of confusion gone too soon. "What--"

"Oh, don't even. You did all this to prove your point, right? That you're a smart cat?"

Jim nods blankly. "Right. Yeah. Give me another week or so, I'll be head of the class."

Malfoy squawks, bristles at Jim and sort of bug-eyes at Potter, and then he's all Slytherin shifty and giving both of them a wary eye.

"No, shut up. Unless the next words out of your mouth are--honestly--that you did all this first and foremost to improve your academic record at this school, you have nothing to say I want to hear right now. Understood?"

Jim blinks again. Sort of, maybe nods. It's almost progress.

Then Potter remembers he can speak or whatever and Hikaru's half-assed attempt at communication gets a Potteresque _Reducto_. Joy.

"I know you're up to something, Malfoy, and I'm not having it." Potter scrunches his face and shoves at his glasses, the special Potter sort of pissed. Malfoy looks infinitely amused. Jim's still just staring at Hikaru like he's working up a _Legimens_.

"All right, Scarhead, you've got me. I'm up to lunch. Care to join us or would it interfere with your righteous rage?"

Malfoy pats the vacant space beside him. Potter turns the indelicate pink of brewing embolism.

"You can't just--" Potter regroups. "You can't just start befriending Gryffindors willy nilly. It's not right."

"I'm doing my bit for Inter-House unity." Malfoy bats guileless eyes. Jim sort of coughs. Hikaru really, really wants to hex something. Hard. "I thought you'd be pleased. But perhaps you preferred my former reign of terror?"

Potter sputters. Hikaru wants a new team. Hell, at this point, he'd take Longbottom, who'd at least keep his bafflement to himself, even if he is a bloody traitor and only playing nice because Gaila made him. "I suppose it's possible you did. You've always been a bit off."

"I'm not mental," Potter says, low and wicked, and then, like proof, he goes for Malfoy's throat.

The squawk of alarm from the head table, that sounds terribly like the Headmistress on her way and the hell Hikaru's staying.

He snags Jim's robes, hauls him up and off and back through the Great Hall to the corridor or as close as he can get before he snaps. Weasley gives him the thumbs up nudge as he horns in on Potter and from somewhere behind him, Hikaru hears things smash through Potter's yelling.

Jim plays along until they're by the door, at which point he puts the figurative brakes on and says, "No, no, hold up, I want to see this."

"What? Why?" It's just Potter throttling Malfoy again, and yeah, okay, the two of them could totally kill small creatures with their UST but Hikaru's got more pressing issues just now.

Jim sneaks a wry look sidelong at him and turns back to watch the show. "It's been a long time coming." He smirks a bit. "Besides, it's kind of my fault, yeah?"

Hikaru wants to hex Malfoy all over again but with his luck, he'd hit Potter. Or, Merlin forbid, McGonagall, and good luck convincing her he's not huffing Alihotsy again.

"You're claiming credit for a Potter-Malfoy fight? Isn't that a bit like saying you're why Quidditch is awesome?"

"Oh, but I am. What can I say? I give good Chase."

"Yeah, not anymore. That shit stops now. I'm serious." He grips Jim's wrist and everything so he knows Jim's sure. The look he gets for it is amazing, hot and hard and _honest_, Jim giving in so fast, he even loses the smirk. 

"What, so I'm smart enough now?"

"Bloody git. You always have been." Hikaru thinks about getting lost in books, sex and laughs and Quidditch, the big, dark space Jim left in his life, and it's just instinct to lean in, to get as close as he can and hold all Jim's attention. "Whatever you're up to with Malfoy, it ends now. You need a study partner, you know where I am, yeah?"

Jim's eyes are gorgeous, just so damned blue. "I'm pretty sure Malfoy's got enough on his hands as it is."

Something explodes across the room. The Headmistress shrills, "Put that down, Mr. Potter." There's a wild snap of spells that tints Jim's profile faint red and gold and purple in succession but even magic can't do a thing to Jim's eyes.

Jim's lashes flutter low, not quite coy but close to it. "Besides, he's a decent enough tutor, I guess, but he's not exactly my first choice."

Hikaru hears himself say, "Tutor?" very soft.

"Well, yeah. Fucked off best part of my education, yeah? You don't get caught up overnight."

And there's something in how he says it, a smug, lazy air, that says that while the girls have been meddling of their own accord, they've also played beautifully into Jim's hands and yeah, all right, his genius Gryffindor's got a bit of a Slytherin side.

"You poked the Potter jealousy bear _on purpose_? Yeah, I take that back, you _are_ bloody stupid." 

"I'm not stupid," Jim tsks and Jim's eyes go shifty and bright, Slytherin scheming and so damned hot, and Jim says, "Going to shut me up now or what, Sulu?" so damned cocky, it's Malfoy all over again and yeah, yeah, that's a pretty good plan.

Weasley yells, "Bloody hell, Harry, I'll have to bleach _my eyes_," before Hikaru loses the world in soft, wet sounds and the feel of Jim under his mouth, sweet and loose and easy like he's always been when they're alone.

Jim doesn't just melt into the kiss, he sodding sags with it, lets Hikaru keep him up and kisses back like a man starved for years.

"You--just to be clear here, you are an idiot," Hikaru growls when the kiss breaks and he sucks in a breath and dives back into it, fists his hand in Jim's hair and does his best to consume Jim's mouth.

Jim sort of slumps back against the wall, head knocking incautiously off stone, lips all swollen and spit-slicked and _his_.

"Yeah," Jim breathes heavy. "Yeah, I'm a moron. You should shut me up again."

"No, seriously, _stupid_," Hikaru snaps and does and does and does.

And that's how McGonagall finds them.

.

So later, the girls hold a post-mortem that's mostly snickers and leers and really smug witches patting their henpecked mates while the four sorry bastards they've all ganged up on rehash the world's most awkward detention.

"They made me clean stalls, Pansy. _Stalls_, like for _creatures_. Do it again and I'm hexing your hair," Malfoy says, which proves Malfoy has some sense, after all, but not all that much if he's hooked up with Potter and threatening Parkinson and all.

Potter holds up wrapped hands and says tersely, "Bubotubers," in an impressively shut-the-fuck-up tone.

"Wasn't half bad for me." Jim leans back, a bloody portrait of cocky confidence, and he's so damned smug, he looks delicious.

"That's because you had Sulu doing most of it," Malfoy protests and Jim shrugs.

"Everyone needs minions."

Malfoy nods like that's sage and not at all insulting. Malfoy's a dick, though, and someday, someone's going to hex him bald.

It's a flick of his wand to make Jim's balls itch. Mediwizard McCoy's going to love that. So, he thinks, will Granger, who's still miffed Jim's wrecked the grade curve.

"You say 'minion', I hear 'only source of regular sex'," Hikaru drawls.

Weasley groans, "I don't need to hear this," and covers his eyes again like they still hurt from that thing in the Great Hall.

And then they're off, a pack of kids shaking off the post-war PTSD by being teenaged idiots for a while so they can finish school in a swamp of misadventure and from where Hikaru's sitting, it's pretty bloody fabulous.

And when Spock starts up about how now it's all settled, they should get back to their NEWTs, half the room hits him with a _Silencio_.

~f~


End file.
